Death of a Friend

Guilt bites deep into my beating heart

I should have been there, I should have saved you

There were always signs but I chose to ignore them from the start

I don't know why you didn't trust me enough to say what you planned to do

Anger eats at me because I should have known

I could have helped you, like you saved me years ago

I still don't know how I didn't see the signs you must have shown

I will accept that you are gone and will let your memory grow

I promise to make everyone remember the life you had

I will make sure no one curses your name

But was your life really that bad?

Did you honestly think this was like some kind of game?

Did your quest for a better life finally take its toll?

I wish you had asked me for help, because I would have done all in my power

I hope your end has mended your broken soul

You will always be the strongest person on our side of the tower

My tears might end one day

When my sadness turns into joy

But until then, I will keep all you valued pure in every way

Your name will be my child's if it is a boy

Your sacrifice will not be in vain

I will lay down my life to protect your memory

I don't care if people see me as insane

All I know is that through me you will be free

The sorrow sinks deep into my stomach and refuses to leave my brain

Ever since I heard the news of you ending it all

My sadness feels like I am constantly trapped in the rain

Everytime I start to think about your choice, I feel like I am beating my head against a wall

As the seconds go by, I keep expecting to hear your voice

I keep thinking you are going to come past and ask how I am

I still can't figure out why you made such a drastic choice

Because you were so gentle and as calm as a lamb

I have lived my life without looking back until last week

Until I heard news of your passing and the fact that I didn't try to keep you alive

Did you think that your death would give the answers you used to seek?

Just thinking about it makes my heart want to take a twenty story dive

You lived your life in a way I could never match but only admire

A life of no regrets and no second choices

Everytime I was down or unhappy, you were there to lift me up higher

If you had spoken to me, I could have told you to ignore those other voices

We were always closer than friends, you were my brother

Nothing I can do will fill the void you left when you died

The friendship we had was always stronger than any other

I hate the fact that you are no longer standing by my cowardly side

I can still hear your voice telling me to take a chance, to give it a try

Whispering in my ear that it's not too late, I can still live my life

Your spirit comforts me, saying It's ok to cry

And begs me to block out the calls of my sharpest knife

One thing I always respected about you was your willingness to help everyone

And you always expected nothing in return

You always tried to show people the fight isn't over until a person has won

You always wanted to save others before they forever burn

I promise that your passion in life will continue

I will not rest in my mission to keep alive everything that you stood for

I will do it for the simplest reason, if not me then who?

I vow that nothing anyone says will stop me from doing this more

You were the one that taught me that there is always something new to learn

You showed me that everyone falls but only the strong will get back up and keep on walking

From watching you, I learnt that it is better to go straight and not worry about taking a turn

That sometimes it is best to be quiet and let someone else do the talking

I could never thank you enough for everything you have shown

Everything you have ever said, I have saved in the deepest part of my mind

Because of you, I understand things I would never have known

Your words of wisdom have always given me something new to find

Your advice has sometimes been very hard to swallow

The thing is that your words have always helped, no matter how hard to hear

You always chose to lead because you refused to follow

No matter how far you were, if you cared about someone you were always near

You were always open to having fun and just being a guy

But beneath your easy going exterior, there was a deeply emotional side

You never judged and always saw beneath every lie

Between your happiness and love, anger had no place to hide

No matter what anyone said, you would somehow manage to give them a smile

No spoken words could ever rob you of your joyful heart

Even when every word was cold and harsh, your laugh could be heard for over a mile

You had plenty of chances to be the bad man but you would never take the part

Everything I saw in you was good and pure

There is nothing on earth that can tarnish the memory of you I treasure

Of that fact I am perfectly sure

But watching everyone try gives me the greatest pleasure

You showed me the best way to use the cards that life dealt

To not complain but to do everything in my strength to make it right

You helped me to let go of the past and to ignore the anger I felt

To accept what people say and to turn away from those who want to fight

Just thinking back at who you were and everything that you did

You were the last person I expected to choose that path to walk down

I would love to know where the things you must have felt always hid

Because everytime I saw you, you never wore a frown

Even though I once betrayed you, you forgave me and accepted my feeble apology

I never did find out how you got my knife out of your back

I guess I was too full of resentment and self hatred to really see

But you proved that friendship is stronger than any obstacle that anger can stack

Everytime I used to question why you were friends with a fool like me

You would stop me and show the reason why we had been friends for so long

With everything going on, you would calm me and set my soul free

With you standing by my side, I felt like I could do nothing wrong

I should have been there when you took your life

But the past can't change, all I can do is look to the future and deal with it by my own hand

If only you resisted the temptation, if only you put down the knife

Then that would have been your greatest and most memorable stand

Is it strange for me to say that I miss you and that I wish you were still around?

Because I do, I honestly and truly do

I would give anything for a sign of you, even just a sound

But I can't ignore that you only did what you felt you needed to

I hope your soul is finally at peace and that your body likes its final resting place

I hope you enjoy the endless hills and greenest of grass laid before your eyes

Relax and enjoy it all because you no longer have to do things at a heart attack pace

The coolest winds blow and steals away all thoughts of untold lies

Take it all in with all your everlasting gladness

And don't worry because we will meet again, when it's my turn to cross the line

I am honoured to have called you my friend because you never fell for everyone else's madness

I will carry on with what I have learnt and will keep everyone you cared about more than fine

So my friend, my brother, with great sadness but even greater honour I say goodbye

The final goodbye to the greatest friend a guy like me could ask for

This is it, until we meet again in the land where no one will ever die

Will you greet me with the biggest smile and an outstretched hand when I step through the door?

But until that day, rest in peace my brother

This is my word and promise to protect everyone in your family and all who called you a friend

And while I will get more friends, like you there will never be another

And lastly, I swear to go on down my very own path until I have no breath left to send.

©Josh West